Setting and enforcing appropriate boundaries with XH are my goal. I will never be friends with this hollow freak of a man. She has had some serious plastic surgery and botox that has made her very odd looking. Just to continue the narrative that I am the bad one. You get triggered almost exclusively by men you’re in relationships with, and only by very specific scenarios, I.E. No thank you. A polite hello, and I move on. The finding fault in absolutely everything so they can fuel their own bad decisions, the fine combing to pick on fights do it’s your fault when they leave… My children cried themselves to sleep wondering where he was while I covered his arse, while he was sipping cocktails with his fat mistress in hawaii! Thank you, Kara, I think that explains some of the stuff that goes on in my head! The other people don’t really want to know about it anyway. Fits better than the words I have been using such as, ‘the man I thought I was married to never existed. For the record, I am doing my best to set a standard of self care and respect *for my kids* and it is not made any easier by YOU asking me to be friends with the person who very nearly destroyed our lives. And anyone who blamed me for any of his actions were cut off immediately. Fuck him and people like him. It could be different for everyone. Even if they don’t, just the act of talking about our concern will help. Or even can support. I was horrified and ashamed that he could treat me like that. Sign up for our free newsletter and receive occasional product promotions and practical parenting tips! This is a big part of the reason that my kids are in therapy — to understand that their parents are not friends.”, It started a whole text string from her that I mostly ignored, but finally felt I had to respond, “It sounds like you’re hurt and texting about this isn’t helping either of us see each other’s perspectives clearly.”. Their distorted thinking tells them that things aren’t fair, that their parents have placed too many expectations on them, that their teachers are idiots. Even if you innocently ask your teen, “How was your day?” you get a response full of contempt and disrespect. Co-parent like you have a corrupt dishonest business partner looking to steal your Joy, money, time and life. Indeed, your child wants you to believe that they will hate you if you confront their hostility and give them consequences. However, all that she is at the end of the day is a scammer and has always been a scammer. Related content: Angry Kids: 7 Things Not To Do When Your Child Is Angry. Actually, I would give a sly thumbs up to anyone who did. That has never changed. Parents need to understand that when you disconnect, in some cases, a teen might escalate to the point of being destructive, threatening, and even violent. The idea is that once they’re in that angry, agitated state, they’re thinking that you’re the enemy, that you don’t understand, and they’re blaming you. The sexual humiliation. Realizing they don’t really care hurts, but kudos to you for handling all those major life challenges by yourself. No. if they began stirring the pot. Geezus. Speaking of, twittersphere is awful for anti reconciliation support. When I saw it, I saw it as something completely different. When I would work with kids in my office, I would tell them: “Any time you want to take a break, you just let me know and go sit in the other room. Hey! We will continue to support him because he’s family and obviously has some serious demons, but we wish you the best and hope that you are able to recover from this.” But MIL is too afraid of ruffling her son’s feathers and losing her relationship with him, since SHE KNOWS he has a propensity to cut people off without a second thought. CL knocks it right out of the park again! Firmly. People have some delusional thoughts about cheating and cheaters. And cheating isn’t recognized as abuse, so much as bad manners. Or say something so banal no one ever engages in conversation with you again. Frustrated and exhausted by your child's behavior? Then I change the subject to something dull, such as the weather. If your young child does not seem afraid of your anger, it’s an indication that he or she has seen too much of it and has developed defenses against it -- and against you. Let’s split the cost.” I bristle at the thought. I didn’t get to read this until today and I’m sorry I didn’t get in here sooner. We can go get coffee and have a laugh over the complete shredding of my insides, financial ruin, and the lasting scars my kids carry while getting a naughty extra dollop of whip cream on our lattes–I’ll use my special special gift card tee hee! A lot of people don’t have the true story either – there’s often that false narrative going around that things were over, already separated but living in the same house, big problems -we weren’t happy…. They’re often nasty to their siblings. Apple does not fall far from the tree, huh? Do I treat him and schmoopie with respect on the few times we are at a grandchild function? Honestly it must be exhausting having to worship her day in and day out. He’s not a genuine person who can share love and reciprocate. Someday, when the kids are grown and my parents are willing, I’d be so happy to move far from my small town that we live in. It says all that needs to be said. Adultery is abuse. Bonus if any Swiss FW diplomat is bored to tears by family photos and hates Beethoven sonatas. Who love to watch the drama? Our contact has become minimal, but we occasionally message or email. Yes!! My ex — the person whom I honored and trusted the most — made a mockery of my marriage and family. After all, who is not curious about why we behave the way we do. I even respond sometimes. Never what you YOU did to your partner will not only fuck her up for ages in all sorts of ways it will cause a rift between you as parents that will, as much as you try to mask it, really hurt your children. Kids are selfish; they want what suits them, and they have to be civilized into the realities of the social contract. I tell parents, your child won’t feel their way to better behavior, but they can behave their way to better feelings. Any friend who stayed friends with ex can have him. OK, probably you’d be wrong. I have three rings of friends — 1) the close ones who also were lied to and betrayed that are as repulsed with him as I am; they have grieved the loss of his hologram as I have, 2) the friendly acquaintances (but supportive of me 100%) who are cordial to him in social settings only because of my son and 3) those who I’ve discarded. Emotional, mental, financial etc. Holidays are always tough bc he weasels his way in and they happily accommodate his schedule. If they try and dance around the question, you can obivously say they don’t know anything about the situation and turn around and walk away or if you are feeling spunky, ask them why they have such a vested interest in your relationships? Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Yes, it runs in the family.) It’s unprofessional of your supervisor to keep talking about your ex to you, but workplaces these days are full of this kind of blurring of lines between personal and professional. There was a little wood left outside, but it went fast. It really defies logic that we would own property together. 1.) Glennon Doyle, on the other hand, has an entire media empire predicated on the shit-sandwich eating of faux forgiveness. That’s one of its main definitions. It’s awkward for all. of almost 5 years. So, people would rather see the chump as bitter, a sore loser, or in need of advice about anger management than accept the hard truth that they are also being manipulated by the cheater. Because that is literally how it felt. “I’d like to hope that if your husband pushed your face through a plate glass window, these people wouldn’t expect warm bonhomie. He never asked that question again. Standing ovation to that one. It hurt, I get it. You don’t need to conform to other people’s low standards for workplace conduct. But how do you and other chumps respond, or not respond, to these direct assumptions of post-divorce friendship that we get sold as the ultimate goal of having “made it” by people like Glennon Doyle and the happiness police of the divorce world? I had to go to great lengths to not have that man’s presence confront me everyday as I passed the kitchen, to avoid him pretending that he was an upstanding decent guy who just had a few needs met elsewhere. Well, gosh, he really should’ve told you about his girlfriend. Like one of my triggers is the Silent Treatment. I know that in my mind, but it still stings in my heart that I’m being judged by them for not being friendly or playing into the idea that progressive divorced couples are friends for the kids’ sake. 8 Ways Children’s Ministry Helps Everyone. If you Until he was caught an since then I am enemy no. These people are fucking bananas. Our kid is fkg devastated. Hugs! I know for a fact that my ex has pulled some of the same things on his gf, but she’s two kids in now and it’s way easier to blame his actions on me. They see it all like tactical maneuvers. She’ll never be able to be “on your side,” as it were. Sometimes people with a lot of compassion, have compassion for everybody – at the expense of the chump. Not only was I traumatized and grieving on D-Day, I had friends that were in tears for me and with me. He is not my friend. Her son when younger was full of anxiety as if she was going to leave any minute. What is up with the world asking me to be friends or friendly to Cheater Ex-Husband (XH)?! Then choose to do what’s best for the kids; being the real honest sane parent. Do we catch up and have drinks? One thing I like to remind folks every so often: You don’t have to explain your reasons to people just because they spew their opinions of what you should be doing. I’m so thankful for CL changing the “you need to be friends and get over it for the kids rhetoric.” I literally just posted comments under a video that’s been making rounds from the insipid Drew Barrymore show. In the shortest possible summary, let me start by saying that Behave is a stupendous book, and among the best science books I have read. After all the bullshit lies he told about me and how horrible I was to him the poor little misunderstood poppet? Point is, you don’t have to aspire to shit sandwich eating. I think I tolerate their friendship only because it upsets my X, and that is not a good reason. Gave me my first chuckle in a long time, so thanks a bunch. Some I’ve just let go. “I will always care about you, Spinach.”, We had a vacation home, and he thought we could keep it and, ya know, share it. And others that’s I’ve pushed out a bit who continue to ask me how he’s doing and how we really should remain in touch because “at his core, he’s a decent person.” Of late, I’m blunt and say something like, “He has not been at all decent to us. You need to go to do your homework now, Jessica.”. And that’s very likely the point that these commentators that like to chime in with pieces of unwanted advice knowbin their heart of hearts that the instigator of all the bs doesn’t have the capacity for decency but someone had to be the bigger person because won’t anyone think of the children! Remember, a timeout is a coping skill. Uh HELL to the NO, he abandonded the rights to family pics of any kind or information once he left. ““Codependency can be defined as any relationship in which two people become so invested in each other that they can’t function independently anymore,” Dr. Becker says. Losing a parent: I managed ON MY OWN So often people simply can’t figure out why their dog is not listening. They just do NOT understand the harm that was done over years and years of deception, lies and gaslighting and then years of fighting me tooth and nail over $ in divorce negotiations. And outstanding boundaries, Friend. Ugh sorry for the rant here–obviously not at meh yet. I always placate myself with the fact that I couldn’t think of one nice thing to say to him or of anyone less in the world I’d rather spend my time with after that abuse. Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to Many cheaters are charismatic. They do not know how he is talking badly about almost anyone once they are no longer in the room. Told ppl lies about me to get himself fucked. Hostile adolescents have a distorted way of thinking whereby they are always the victim. Filed Under: co-parenting with a fuckwit, Switzerland Friends Tagged With: Forgiving cheater, Friends with ex. His teachers email me frequently about his poor classroom habits. Beautifully said. Just change the subject. “Flip like a fish out of water.” Love this and based on history it’s true. I think two of the people who asked were friends or relatives to us for 20+ years… so they remember when we were just friends, even before getting married. I’m not open to further discussion with you on the topic. Fortunately, I have only gotten the “better for the children” from the FW and no one else. no, no, no. It's easy to lose your cool. Hostility is related to antagonism, animosity, and hatred. Good question. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. My ex sent me some TikTok female’s (These people are so desperate for attention from strangers) video about co-parenting where she filmed her son running out to the car to see their dad and then also bringing them groceries and cooking for them and then going shopping and coming to help them with car issues (the subtitles were things like “This isn’t love between a woman and a man. Black people want me to choose a black girl.” They control you by acting out of control. I will never, ever get over the fact that he bonded with MULTIPLE APs using a combination of bold faced lies and information about me that I trusted him with (details of my childhood and FOO). But parents have to understand that the purpose of anger and hostility is to keep you away. I am not friends with liars or cheaters, especially ones who destroyed my entire world. No explanations or editorializing, just state the facts. People without consequences get bolder. My father certainly was. I mean what is there to work with here. My cheater husband is now out of the house as of a week (formerly refusing to leave). To me this means get away from abuse and disengage with abuser. When you went underground with your affair during a global pandemic and had the potential to infect multiple households with Covid-19, was that good for the kids? Thank you, thank you, thank you. But it’s quite another to get shit from someone who’s in your life on an invitation-only basis. Who’s he texting? © 2021 Empowering Parents. or religious nature. We’re just on new ground and it makes me uncertain. “People can be so cold Your parental conflict will affect them badly. Not being friends is a consequence. And it’s absolutely the best for my son… and me. Would it be too dramatic to say ‘my friends don’t stab me in the heart and back’? Good point Stig. There are parents that are miserable. They sacrifice all kinds of people to keep the buzz alive. I took this line down for myself to commit to memory. I would be going crazy without CN. A thousand times over thank you! I’ve told both my kids that if you’re inviting both parents plus the OW. That’s how they got to the flaming abuse stage, fuelled by enablers. On one hand, I understand that at the end of the day, FW is part of their family and I am not. Works like a charm. I am a divorced father of 3. It’s awful that your significant other is so insensitive about this. After giving my complete and hard won trust to him only to have it used against me? Oh don’t get me wrong, Susie was likely soon forgotten by many in his world, most of them were self serving just like he was but they didn’t look past what he tried to pull off. In your case, you are so right. That is great if you have a personal relationship with him, but I do not need to be informed about it during my workday. how about just calling these people out with something like : “How tone deaf are you ? Stolen from, lied to etc. NO. I paid my own way through college It’s for ME, first and foremost. I’m so sorry you had that experience. My inlaws have a beautiful vacation home that I have been to and helped work on for 20+ years on a lake. I think because I have a 1.5 year old with my FW people assume I need to set aside what happened and be friendly for our young child’s sake. And I’m only a little mad 😝. The more entitled expect reconciliation. It made me want to vomit seeing replies calling his exwife a narc for innocuous things. Civil, co-operative, not putting sugar in their fuel tank? A college boyfriend shoved me off the boat in the middle of a lake because we were losing the sailboat race . I was existing on minimum wage, had no more access to our joint money. I am currently collecting details of our finances and we are needing to agree on a separation agreement. A year ago it was still a bit jarring. I’ve learned to take in a deep breath and acknowledge the discomfort of how those questions/comments make me feel and I breathe out knowing I have a tribe of men and women who understand me. I am almost 7 years out from D-Day, and I despise it when people tell me that I need to get over it. On the good side being at work was great because I was warm. I meant it. It’s still like 2 times per week via text/messages. Turn and leave the room. You need to learn how to make requests, not demands.”. The RIC absolutely benefits from the shame and fear of the betrayed. What I say while planning my exit: “Glad that works for you.”. We all get angry from time to time—it’s a natural reaction to certain situations. I use this approach with difficult family members and they seem to have no idea they are being given the brush-off, they just know their bullshit isn’t working on me. “Oh in hindsight, I didn’t do things right.”, “Are you sure you want this to be over?” mode. You need to use effective consequences as well. He did so many awful things to his family that sometimes it just takes my breath away at his audacity of doing things “for the sake of the children.” When you were out until 2am some nights and I fed, bathed, and put the kids to bed while they wondered where their dad was, was that good for the kids? I think some people see infidelity as only a sexual trespass, which even if that was the case is still really really awful for a whole host of reasons, but maybe not one that would affect the children. (Which is your ex’s job now, not yours.) One friend shared with me that just a week prior to D-Day she was talking with her husband of making my now exH and me godparents to her son. Not even touching on the financial bullshit. Yep, I remember my ex saying “I hope we can be friends when this is over”. My first cheater husband fucked my boss, his boss’s wife, my colleagues, the next door neighbor, the woman he rear ended at a stop sign, a couple of sopranos in the church choir, my sister and Sister Margaret, the nun who led our pre-Cana classes. It’s absurd to respond to abuse with friendship. And then remove them from your phone plan. Yes. All the energy tied up in keeping the anger contained is released. Go to your bedroom and stay there for a few minutes. I think he’s feeling the ‘oh shit, who’s going to do all this stuff for me now?”. “Oh, sure, you SAY you don’t want to be friends with me, but that was just because you were trying to get more of the money from the house. [Sorry male chumps I know you are here too but how many of you quit working or gave up careers as well as your personal savings to stay at home and raise your children for 30+ years?]) But they won’t respect you if you give in to and accept their hostile behavior. One of the saddest parts is that his family (mother, sisters) were fantastic to me, however they have not reached out to me once since he left. You just described my ex-inlaws to a “T.” I had a great relationship with them; they always treated me like a daughter–better even than my own parents for much of my 18-year marriage. All the twisted around bullshit conversations about me, information about my KIDS when she had not one right to know anything about what I thought were private details of MY LIFE? My one weapon is that he is VERY stingy, so threatening to have the lawyers deal with all of our conversations enables some information to spring forth. You rant for all of us! How does your divorce/pain/reaction-to-ex affect THEM? In my post-discovery life, I no longer tolerate fuckwits of any stripe. It helps sort out the people who are not supposed to be here. When you call the police, say: “I don’t feel safe here. The way my therapist explained it is “People with generalized anxiety fear the future. My circle is way smaller but true to me. I wonder how uncomfortable it will be in the future for me to just say, “Hmmm, define friends? Teens who employ thinking errors think that they’re always the victim. Option, I got used to just answering ‘as expected’ and changing the subject. That’s it!!! You may genuinely be on edge, because you are with someone who doesn’t really understand. Exactly, I never spent one second worrying about if I should be “friends”. It’s not about the spirit of friendship reconciliation or forgiveness it’s selfishness on their part. I truly believe there is NO obligation to be friends with ANYONE who does not support you! I tended to think it was just the sex issue, though I was pretty much always harder on the cheater than the betrayed, in those types of discussions. She cried right along with me and was devastated. Which in my view makes them evil personified. I can see being friends with an ex if you are divorcing because one or both of you just weren’t feeling the love and couldn’t work through it. statewide crisis hotline. It’s a kind of superiority jujitsu, and that’s a whole other column. Sometimes I think I’m a bitter old man compared to other people who would ‘get over it’— but why should I be friends with someone who lied to my face while having an emotional affair, then hit the self-destruct button on our relationship, trickle-truth me about it, and never apologise? She also really seemed to skim over her childhood wounds that led her to drugs and an eating disorder, and according to her book still are not addressed. Thank you for this comment “I’m not powerful or invested enough to grant them grace, just time and distance”. It’s supposed to be we’re still friends, not we’re friends despite (fill in blank). This is everything. It is enough that I do not interfere with my kids and grandkids having a relationship with him. I need to practice what I say I want in my life. Experience, the drama in my own classroom with extreme sensory needs and a better life for. Change their behavior with this hollow freak of a hat to antagonism, animosity and... She cried right along with me and them as well what’s best for your child not go him! You confront their hostility and why does my child behave for everyone but me them consequences for far less than what my did! 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